You ask your student to turn off their game because it’s bedtime, and they reply “whatever”. Does this display of attitude mean you’re of lip age?

Not necessarily – it’s normal for kids to test their limits to see what they can get away with.

This behavior can be challenging and really push your buttons, but try to keep it together. What might seem like an insult to you is most likely an expression of anger, frustration, fear or hurt on the part of your child.

Getting rid of the objection at its root starts with trying to see past the rude response and focusing on what’s really going on with your child beneath the surface.

What is backtalk?

Backtalk can generally be defined as reacting rudely to a request or refusing a boundary set by an authority figure.

For example, you might ask your child to clean up his room and be met with cries of protest and attempts to argue, such as, “But my sister didn’t clean up her room!” or “Why do I have to do that?”

It also often comes with dismissive body language, such as eye rolls, sighs, and stomping. It is your child’s way of telling you that he is not happy.

“A bit of attitude is natural and normal,” he says tipstechforkids Community member of Outnumberedsahm. “My child is allowed to express his opinions and emotions. I pick my fights.”

Why do children fight back?

There are many reasons why your child might fight back.

First of all, children have very little power in their lives. Adults often dictate where they go, what they do and when they do it, which can be very frustrating. Talking back is a small way your child can take control of their life.

Reciprocating also guarantees your attention – and for children, any kind of attention, even negative, is better than none. Behavioral issues like talking back can occur during transitions, such as a new baby in the house, a move, or a change in your work schedule. Your child may feel ignored or abandoned and resort to fighting back just to get you to notice.

Children do not always share everything that happens at school, in extracurricular activities or in their group of friends. There may be conflict in their life that you don’t see—like bullying or trouble adjusting to a new teacher. These fights can manifest at home as outbursts or other disrespectful behavior.

What to do if your child responds

When your child talks back, it’s hard not to snap. But it’s better for your relationship with your child if you try to find out what’s bothering him and then teach him to express his difficult emotions in a more appropriate way.

You can ignore the backstory in the heat of the moment, but don’t ignore your child.

– Dr. Kelley Yost Abrams, developmental psychologist

“I don’t punish my teenagers for rolling their eyes or raising their voices; it doesn’t really teach them manners,” he says tipstechforkids member of MarMo12. “I teach them by modeling that we pause when someone flips the lid and then talk about it later when everyone is calm. Hear everyone’s side. Think about how we could have handled things respectfully.”

Here are some ways you can respond to backtalk—and stop it before it starts.

Set clear expectations

Have regular family conversations about the rules and expectations in your home. Talk about it how to treat each other with respectincluding which words and phrases are acceptable and which are not.

Set ground rules for appropriate communication in the home – both what kinds of words are acceptable to use, and what tone and attitude to adopt with each other. Some examples of communication rules include:

• We don’t call each other names in this family.
• We don’t swear or use harsh words when we talk to each other.
• We speak in a calm and respectful tone. We don’t shout.

As tipstechforkids Community member veggiepizza says: “Kids have a right to their feelings just like adults, and there’s parenting you can do in response to many questions or transgressions that don’t even have to have consequences. You can just talk about it.”

Keep calm

This is probably the hardest part of parenting, but try not to overreact or get into a power struggle over your child’s choice of words or tone.

And, of course, never answer truthfully. A knee-jerk reaction (“Don’t be such a brat!”) will not set a very good example and will only increase your child’s frustration.

Instead, take a deep breath and acknowledge their feelings. Identify their emotions and let them know it’s okay. You could say something like, “I know it’s hard to stop playing when you’re having so much fun. It’s frustrating that you have to stop and clean up now. You can tell me how you feel about that.”

“You can ignore the back stories in the heat of the moment, but don’t ignore your child,” he says Kelley Yost AbramsPh.D., developmental psychologist and member of BabyCenter’s Medical Advisory Board.

Later, in a quiet moment, remind your child to try practicing kinder ways of expressing themselves—even when they’re angry.

Connect with your child’s emotions

When your child verbally lashes out at you, let him know that you care about his feelings, even if you don’t approve of the way he’s expressing them.

It’s important to let your child know you understand that they’re angry or frustrated—and help them label those feelings. When you acknowledge your child’s emotions (“Wow, you sound really angry about this”), it lets him know that you’re on his side and ready to help him feel better.

Children have the right to their feelings just like adults. … You can only talk about it.

 

Consider your child’s influences

Ask yourself if your child can imitate the attitude they see in movies or on TV. Kids on sitcoms may get a laugh when they fight back, but let them know that it’s not so funny in real life.

Pay attention to the media your child is watching, both on TV and online, to make sure they don’t get the wrong message.

See also other influences. Does your child have friends or relatives whose behavior is not ideal? Consider limiting how much time your child spends with children who may not be the best influence on their behavior.

Problem-solve together

When your child talks back, take a moment to look past the attitude and focus on the message your child is trying to convey. Then ask clarifying questions: “Are you upset because you have to stop playing to pick up your socks? If that’s a problem, you need to find a way to say it in a more respectful way.”

Once your child is settled and able to calmly discuss the situation, try to find a compromise that you both can live with. Maybe they can have a few minutes to wrap up their video game and then put the socks in the laundry basket.

“We often do, ‘When you’re ready to talk about this calmly, let me know.’ Listen to what they say (without interrupting) and really think about it,” he says BabyCenter Community member of Twojedimama. “Sometimes the response is, ‘Thank you for letting me know your rationale. Have you considered this?’ And sometimes it’s, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, but I need you to do this because xyz’.”

Offer choices

If your child has some control over the course of their day, they will feel valued and less likely to assert themselves in abusive ways.

Give your child plenty of appropriate opportunities to make independent decisions. Be sure to offer choices you can live with and respect the ones your child makes.

Try asking, “Would you rather go to the park or the library this afternoon?” Don’t give your child a choice between ice cream and fresh fruit for dessert if you don’t want them to have ice cream.

Make time to connect

If you think your child feels pushed around at school or ignored at home, they may just need a little more one-on-one time with you. Offset your child’s negative energy with a little attention: go for a walk, read a book, or talk together while sharing an after-school snack.

Children who are noticed with hugs and compliments when they do something right, and who spend even a few minutes of positive, quality time with their parents each day, are less likely to act out to get your attention.

When you notice that your child is responding respectfully or expressing his emotions appropriately, give him a hand positive reinforcement by letting them know how much you appreciate it.

Is reverse negotiation preventable?

If certain situations almost always cause your child to fight back, see if you can help him solve the problem ahead of time. For example, if your child gets angry about having to clean up when he’s in the middle of something, offer him a five-minute warning the next time you need him to do his chores.

Or maybe your child fusses every night before bed, not because he’d rather be playing or reading a book, but because he’s really afraid of the shadows moving across his wall. In that case, give your child a flashlight to keep on the bedside table or put up curtains to block out the ghostly shadows.

Keep in mind, too, that tempers are more likely to flare—and you’re more likely to be on the side of an attitude—if your child isn’t get enough sleep or not eat well.

We all know what it’s like to be hungry or grumpy when we’re tired; as adults, we learned how to cope. When you’re a kid, it’s harder to keep your emotions in check when you’re tired, hungry, and adults are telling you what to do all day.

If your child is reacting to you in a way that seems inappropriate or excessive, consider whether his physical needs are being met and see if this changes the behavior.