Elementary school students are not exactly role models of respect. In fact, it can often seem like their entire purpose in life is to ruffle your feathers.

This is quite normal; children of this age love to test the limits. Like one tipstechforkids member says, “I want to work with my daughter, not against her. But, wow, she pushes my buttons, and pretty much keeps it all for me.”

But your child also needs to learn the importance of respecting others – and respect starts at home.

So what does respect mean?

Respect can mean different things to different people, but in general, it boils down to treating others the way you want to be treated. This may include:

• Considering how your words and actions affect other people.
• Accepting other people for who they are even when they are different from you.
• Listening to other people and trying to understand them.
• Be kind to others even if you don’t agree with them.

Respect is an important part of healthy relationships, but it doesn’t always come naturally. It is a skill that children need to learn and practice.

Why is respect important?

Respect builds a sense of trust and security. When we show respect to others, we help them feel seen and valued. Practicing respect is part of building safe, stable relationships, which can have a lasting impact on a child’s social and emotional development.

It can be challenging to explain why respect is important to children, but you can emphasize that the more they show respect to the people in their lives, the more those people will show respect to them. After all, if you want your friends and family to listen to you and care about your feelings, you have to listen to them too.

Ways to teach your child to respect

Show respect

Children are like sponges – they are constantly watching you and absorbing everything you do and say. One of the most powerful ways you can teach your child respect is by modeling it in your everyday life. This extends beyond being nice to the cashier at the grocery store—it’s important to show respect to your child, too.

Adults don’t always give children the amount of respect they often ask for, which can confuse children about what respect actually looks like. You can start laying a foundation of respect at home by listening to your child and showing them that you value their opinions.

In everyday conversation, look your child in the eye and make it clear that you are interested in what he is saying. To listen more formally, hold regular family meetings where everyone—including your elementary school student—can share ideas and opinions about issues facing the whole family.

Learn polite communication

Your child can show care and respect for others through good behavior. By elementary school, your child is probably familiar with saying “please” and “thank you” regularly, though he may need the occasional reminder.

Which language is appropriate in your home and which is not is up to you. “We don’t allow the word ‘shut up’ because it’s rude and disrespectful,” he says tipstechforkids parent of jacqui38. “You can say that you want to speak up or that the other person’s words hurt you in different, more constructive ways.”

If your child asks you for something in a rude tone or uses inappropriate language, explain how you feel and suggest a more polite way of communicating. But also confirm the big feelings behind the rudeness.

“When a young child is experiencing a strong negative emotion, it’s harder for them to control their words and actions,” says Kelley Yost Abrams, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist and member of BabyCenter’s medical advisory board. “Validating their feelings while setting limits on appropriate language teaches respect and avoids further shame.”

Of course, this goes both ways, and modeling the behavior you want to see by being respectful yourself will send a bigger message to your child than lecturing. Treat your child (and others) with kindness and respect and he will learn that this is part of normal communication, both within your family and in public.

Avoid overreacting

When your child falls out, try to keep your cool. We know, we know – it’s hard to stay calm when your child is giving you attitude and calling you names. But a kid who wants to provoke a reaction will endure almost any inconvenience to get you out.

Instead of giving back what you get, treat your child with the respect you want to receive. If necessary, take a few calming breaths before responding – and give your child a few moments to calm down.

Being able to regulate your emotions is a skill that develops slowly during early childhood, says Dr. Abrams. So when your child has big, negative feelings, it’s hard for them to control themselves—and it’s hard for them to hear what you have to say.

“Disrespect is the child’s way of letting out all his anger and frustration. It is important that parents do not react to these statements,” says Dr. Abrams. “Trying to correct the child at this point will only add to the child’s feelings of shame and likely increase the unwanted behaviors. Parents can acknowledge how the child is feeling while ignoring the disrespectful words or tone.”

When you’ve both calmed down enough to talk about it, face your child face-to-face and say something like this in a calm but firm tone: “In this family, we treat each other with respect. That means being polite, even when we disagree or are upset.”

Being able to stay calm when your child is upset will help them learn how to stay calm when they are upset.

Expect disagreements

Life would be much easier if our children were always happy to fulfill our every request, but that is not realistic. Try to remember that when your child doesn’t want to do what you ask, they’re not trying to be disrespectful—they just have a different opinion.

When you’re a child, you have very little control over your own life – and that’s hard! So children will often try to take control where they can, and this might look like disobeying you when you ask them to do something.

Maybe it’s bedtime and your child doesn’t want to sleep; maybe you need them to help clear the table after dinner; or maybe they need to do homework and don’t want to.

The key here is to allow your child to disagree with you – within reason. Give your child a chance to explain why they feel frustrated by what you’re asking and really listen to them. You may be able to reach an agreement that works for both of you.

Acknowledging (your child’s) feelings while setting limits on appropriate language teaches respect and avoids further shame.

– Dr. Kelley Yost Abrams, developmental psychologist

For example, you can delay bedtime by 10 minutes so your child can finish the game they are playing; or they might choose a different after-dinner chore such as putting away the leftovers instead of clearing the table.

But even if you can’t compromise this time—homework is due tomorrow, so you have to do it tonight—you’ve given your child the space to express themselves and feel heard, which is a key part of respect.

Set boundaries

One of the best ways to model respect is to show kindness while still holding firm to your limits or boundaries.

So if your child throws a fit at the clothing store and none of your coping tactics work, what do you do? If the purchase can be delayed, simply tell them, “We’ll leave now and come back to the store another time when you’re feeling calmer.”

If an errand must be done, move a few feet away from your child after telling him, “I’ll be right here where you can see me. Let me know when you’re calm and then we can finish our shopping.”

If the accident continues, you can always take your child to the car, where they can pick themselves up.

Talk about it later

Sometimes the best way to deal with disrespect is to discuss it with your child later, when you’ve both had a chance to cool off. Start by validating their feelings – “I could tell you were really upset earlier.” Then start the conversation by asking these questions:

• “Why do you think you were upset?”
• “What ideas do you have for solving the problem?”
• “What would be a more respectful way to tell me how you feel?”

These can be instructive moments that provide an opportunity to solve problems together. Additionally, working together to share ideas is likely to have more impact than lecturing or imposing consequences.

Praise behavior with respect

Positive reinforcement can do wonders in influencing a child’s behavior. That’s why it’s important to notice and celebrate your child’s impromptu displays of politeness as much as possible.

Make your praise specific by detailing the behavior and why you were pleased with it, rather than a generic “good job” or “I’m proud of you.”

For example, you can say, “Thank you for saying please when you asked for a snack,” or “Thank you for asking permission before borrowing the scissors from my desk.” Be specific and your little one will quickly learn that their efforts are valuable and appreciated.

Get involved in your community

You can help pave the way for your child to learn to respect all kinds of people by introducing them to different kinds of people. Join clubs, school programs, and community activities that will allow your child to learn about and make friends with people whose lives and families look different than yours.