If you have a child at home, then you know that they spend all day every day exploring and developing new skills: running, jumping and climbing, expanding their vocabulary, potty training, using their imaginations and wanting to do everything alone. It’s all part of their coming independence.

Unfortunately, another part of that budding independence is testing how much control they have over their choices—including ignoring you when you give them directions. They heard you asking them to stop drawing the curtain, but… did you really mean it? Or can they continue to do so? (It’s really fun!)

“My daughter straight up tells me to stop whenever she doesn’t want to listen,” he says BabyCenter Community member TashaNotman. “It’s just kid stuff!”

On top of that, toddlers lack the cognitive skills needed to see the bigger picture and make good decisions in the moment.

Here are some reasons why your child might be shutting you out a lot, plus how you can deal with it.

Why is my child not listening?

A toddler’s prefrontal cortex is still developing, so skills like impulse control and logical reasoning are not yet developed. When you feel like your child isn’t “listening” to you, what’s actually going on is a little more out of their control. They often listen just fine (and know the rules). But they cannot follow through consistently, because they have not yet mastered their behavior.

This also applies to scenarios outside the home: young children will test their limits on the playground, at the supermarket, at preschool, and at their siblings’ dance recital, if given the chance.

Sometimes a child’s refusal to listen is also a pushback against anyone they see as authority – this includes their teachers and babysitters or babysitters (although some parents notice that their children behave better with other adults).

“My little one is such a good listener with other people, but when it comes to me he pushes every line and doesn’t listen at all,” she says. BabyCenter Community member of Angelhill. As frustrating as it may be, take it as a compliment – ​​it means your child feels safe enough with you to test their limits.

Is it normal for toddlers not to listen?

Yes, it is common for young children to ignore what they are told. Again, part of this is developmental; older children are better able to work out the right way to respond to a direction they don’t like, but toddler brains are still forming the skills needed to think things through and control their impulses.

“You can’t expect a child to listen to your every word all the time,” he says BabyCenter Community a member of Trishou. “My child will listen and follow when he wants to…but when he’s tired, he won’t. That’s completely normal.”

It’s also perfectly normal for young children to test their limits. Children feel safe when they know there are boundaries – that they can count on them to know what’s going on next – so little ones will often see how far they can go before you step in and stop them.

This can be frustrating for parents, but it’s actually an important part of your child’s interaction with the world around them.

How can I get my child to listen without yelling at him?

Having a child who doesn’t listen to you is annoying at best and infuriating at worst. But yelling doesn’t serve much purpose other than to make you feel (temporarily) better.

“Yelling will most likely make the situation worse,” says Kelley Yost Abrams, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist and member of BabyCenter’s medical advisory board. “It will increase your toddler’s emotional response, making him even more stubborn and less likely to cooperate.”

As for other forms of discipline, most experts now agree that both time-outs and hitting are ineffective and counter to healthy development, especially for young children. These strategies are basically punishing your child for behavior that is beyond their control due to their stage of brain development.

You can’t expect a child to listen to your every word all the time. My child will listen and follow when he wants to.

– Member of the BabyCenter Trishou community

What you really need to focus on is communicating with your child or “speaking their language”. Here are some tips for baby talk.

Get on their level

As every parent realizes sooner or later, yelling from a great height (much less from across the room) rarely has the desired effect. Crouch or pick up your child so you can look them in the eye and get their attention.

It is important to be at eye level and in close physical proximity. They’ll listen more carefully if you sit next to them at the breakfast table when you remind them to eat their cereal, or sit on their bed at night when you tell them you’re going to turn off the lights.

Be clear and give choices when you can

Get your message across clearly, simply and with quiet authority. Your child will drift away if you talk too long about a topic. It’s hard to find the point of a wordy message like “It’s really cold outside and you’ve been sick lately, so I want you to put on a sweater before we go to the store.”

On the other hand, “It’s time to grab a sweater” is unmistakable. And don’t ask something as a question if your child doesn’t really have a choice. “It’s time to climb into your car seat” has a lot more impact than “Come climb into your car seat, okay, honey?”

It’s good to give little ones a choice, but make sure you’re okay with all the options you offer – and stick to just two. By allowing your little one to make limited choices, they’ll feel empowered (and you’ll be happy with the result).

You might say, “It’s time to put on a sweater. Do you want to wear orange or green?” or “It’s time to get into your car seat. Would you like to buckle up or need help?”

Follow to the end

Make it clear that you mean what you say and don’t make threats – or promises – that you won’t keep. If you tell your two-year-old, “You need to drink some water at dinner time,” don’t waffle on him five minutes later and let him have juice.

Make sure your partner shares your rules and respects them, so that neither of you is undermining the other. And if there’s a disagreement, talk it out so you’re both clear about what to say or do when the problem comes up again (as it surely will).

And don’t fall into the trap of repeating less urgent instructions, like “Put your cup on the table,” over and over before you expect your child to comply. Gently guide your child’s hand to place the cup on the table, so he knows exactly what you want him to do.

Amplify your message

It often helps to supplement your verbal statement with other types of messages, especially if you are trying to distract your child from activities that are absorbing you.

Say, “It’s time for bed!” and then give a visual cue (turning the light switch on and off), a physical cue (putting a hand on their shoulder to gently draw their attention away from their toy to you), and a demonstration (directing them toward the bed, pulling back the covers, and patting the pillow).

You can also ask your child to repeat your instructions back to you so that you are both sure that they have been heard and received.

It is also important that your child knows when something is particularly dangerous and that you show how to approach it safely. For example, when your child is crossing the street, always hold their hand. In this way, they will associate the danger of cars with caution.

Give positive instructions

Young children (and frankly, most adults!) respond better to instructions that tell them what they want I can they do versus what they can’t.

Instead of telling your child, “Don’t leave your shoes on the floor,” try reframing your correction to, “Put your shoes in your cubicle, please.”

This is also a more specific way to give your child instructions, which makes them easier to follow. They will know exactly what is expected of them, not just what not to do.

Tell them the plan in advance

Let your child know ahead of time before there’s a big change, especially if they enjoy playing with toys or a friend.

Before it’s time to go inside after playing, say, “We’ll be leaving in a few minutes. When I call you, it’s time to get out of the sandbox and wash your hands.”

Be educational – and make it fun

Give realistic tasks, like “Let’s remove the yellow blocks.” Then you can turn it into a game: “Okay, now let’s put it blue blocks away.”

Shouting orders may produce results, but no one will enjoy the process. Most children respond best when you treat them with confident good humor. Try using a silly voice or song to get your message across – you could sing “Now’s the time to brush your teeth” to the tune of “London Bridge”, for example.

Make sure the benefits of listening make sense to your child. (“Brush your teeth and then you can pick out your favorite PJs” instead of “You have to brush your teeth or you’ll get cavities” or “Brush your teeth NOW!”)

Praise them when they finish brushing with something like, “Thanks for listening when I said it’s time to brush.” Being specific about praise helps reinforce the behavior.

The good humor, affection and trust you show your child when you talk to him in this way will make him I want to listen to you because they will know you love them and think they are special.

A model of good behavior

Children will be better listeners if they see that you listen well too.

Make it a habit to listen to your child as respectfully as you would any adult. Look at them when they’re talking to you, respond politely, and let them finish without interrupting whenever possible.

Although it may seem like a daunting task when you’re cooking dinner and your child is especially chatty, try not to walk away and turn your back while he’s talking. As with many other behaviors, the old adage “Do as I say, not as I do” holds little value when teaching your child how to listen.

Catch your child doing well

How often do you talk to your child about what he is doing wrong? Would you like to listen to someone—like your boss, for example—who only gave you negative feedback?

Your child is more likely to listen to you if you notice that he is behaving well and comment on it. “You put your dolls away the first time I asked you. Well done!” or “You were very gentle with the puppy. I’m proud of you!”

Make sure you give your little one plenty of positive reinforcement – ​​and be specific about what you praise them for. They’re less likely to tune you out when you need to get them back on course.

Looking for more resources on how to communicate with your child? Many members of the BabyCenter community recommend the book How to talk so that young children will listenJoanna Faber and Julie King. And Dr. Yost Abrams recommends it Why is my child in charge? by Claire Learner – covers more topics than How to talk to young children who will listenincluding cooperation.