Parents of elementary school students hear a lot about the importance of helping their child develop self-esteem—but what exactly is it?

Self-esteem is a feeling of confidence in one’s worth as a person, independent of specific talents or personality traits. It’s something you have when you feel like you’re loved and accepted just the way you are, regardless of your accomplishments.

All parents want their children to be secure in the knowledge that they are unconditionally loved and valued, but it’s not as simple as just telling them. You must build, support and nurture children’s confidence and self-esteem. Here’s how.

Why is confidence important and how does it affect self-esteem?

Self-confidence and self-esteem are closely related and mean almost the same thing, but their difference is important. Self-confidence is knowing that you are capable of achieving things and believing in your own ability; self-esteem is knowing that you are worthy and have self-worth, regardless of what you can achieve.

Although confidence and self-esteem are different, it is difficult to imagine one without the other. You can’t be confident in your abilities if you don’t think you have them, and you can’t believe you’re worthy if you don’t think you can achieve anything. That’s why it’s important to work on building your child’s confidence and self-esteem at the same time.

Parents play a key role in helping their children develop confidence and self-esteem: the first place a child often feels they belong is in their own family, and parents are usually the first people to show a child that they are loved and valued for who they are, not for anything what they have accomplished or accomplished.

How you can nurture your child’s confidence and self-esteem

Here are some ways you can nurture your child’s self-esteem:

Give love unconditionally

A child’s self-esteem blossoms with the kind of no-strings-attached devotion that says, “I love you, no matter what you do.” Your child benefits most when you accept them for who they are, regardless of their strengths, difficulties, temperament or abilities.

Unconditional love does not give your child a free pass to act however they want. It’s important to maintain healthy boundaries and rules for your child to help them learn what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t.

Be a good role model

Children learn by example. If your child grows up watching you become a self-confident person who knows her worth, she is more likely to grow up to be the same.

Be as kind to yourself as you want your child to be to himself and others. If your child often hears your negative self-talk (“I can’t do anything right” or “I’m terrible at this!”), they may eventually internalize that message for themselves.

Admit when you’ve made a mistake: Admitting and recovering from your own failures sends a strong message to your child, making it easier for him to accept his own difficulties.

Listen carefully

Give your child your undivided attention and talk to him regularly. Eye contact and active listening let your child know that you are truly focused on what they are saying. This does wonders for your child’s sense of self-worth, as it shows them that you think they are important.

When you are short on time, let your child know without ignoring their needs. Say, “Tell me all about what happened at soccer practice. When you’re done, I have to make our dinner.”

Encourage healthy risk-taking

Inspire your child to explore something new, such as trying different foods, making a new friend, or riding a skateboard. Activities that promote cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful for building self-esteem.

Although there is always the possibility of failure, without risk there is little possibility of success.

“We encourage our son to try different things, expand his social circle and be open to new experiences,” she says tipstechforkids Community member NoNameLadyP.

Let your child experiment safely and resist the urge to intervene. For example, try not to “rescue” them as soon as they show mild frustration when they figure out how to read a tricky word. You will build their self-esteem by prioritizing their need to practice independence.

Some children are naturally more sensitive and cautious. They may take longer to warm up to new situations and be more hesitant to try new things. That’s fine, he says Kelley Yost AbramsPh.D., developmental psychologist and member of BabyCenter’s Medical Advisory Board.

“Don’t confuse this cautious nature with insecure. You can support a cautious or indecisive child by giving them the time and space they need instead of coaxing or encouraging them to do something they’re not ready for,” says Dr. Abrams.

For example, if your child likes doing cartwheels and handstands and you want him to try gymnastics class, don’t force him to do it right away.

“Instead, sit with your child while he watches the first lesson,” says Dr. Abrams. “Talk to them about what would help them feel more comfortable.”

Let failure happen

The flip side of taking risks is that your child will make mistakes from time to time. If they can’t master that difficult skateboard trick they’ve been working on, praise them for trying and encourage them to keep at it.

Allowing your child to experience sadness, disappointment and frustration is important for building confidence and resilience.

– Dr. Kelley Yost Abrams, developmental psychologist

Your constructive feedback and appreciation for their efforts can offset any feelings of shame or failure they might feel, and this can help them move forward feeling motivated and optimistic. With this approach, your child will begin to accept failure as a normal part of life and learning.

Celebrate positively

Acknowledge the ways your child contributes to the family. Congratulate them when they do their jobs without prompting. When you sit down to dinner, say, “Thank you for setting the table!” This will improve their sense of self-worth while letting them know exactly what they have done.

Empathize with your child’s feelings

If your child needs to talk, tune into his feelings and let him know that you understand and respect his opinion. They need to know that their thoughts, feelings, wishes and opinions matter.

Help them get comfortable with their emotions by labeling them. Say, “I understand you’re sad because you can’t go to the birthday party.” Accepting their emotions without judgment validates their feelings and shows that you care about what they have to say.

“Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings or solve the problem for them,” says Dr. Abrams – for example, by calling the other parent and asking if your child can be invited to the party. “Allowing your child to experience sadness, disappointment and frustration is important for building confidence and resilience.”

You can also share similar experiences from your own childhood to show your child that you understand where they are coming from.

Resist comparisons

It’s human nature to wonder how your child compares to other children and to worry if he’s keeping up, but remember that comparisons are pointless because your child is a unique individual.

Comments like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Why can’t you be nice like Evan?” just remind your child of how they struggle in a way that encourages shame, envy, and competition.

If your child compares himself to his siblings or peers (“Why can’t I throw a ball like Nikola?”), show him empathy and then point out one of his strengths. Say, “You’re right. Nicholas is good at throwing the ball. And you’re a fast runner.”

And if they enter a vortex of negativity and self-doubt (“I can’t do math. I’m a bad student.”), help them see things in a more realistic light. Say something like, “You’re a good student, you just have trouble with math. Let’s work on it together and see if we can figure it out.”

Help your child understand that we all have strengths and weaknesses and that they don’t have to be perfect to feel good about themselves.

Be encouraging

Encouragement is not the same as praise. Praise (“That’s the most beautiful drawing I’ve ever seen!”) can make a child feel that he is “good” only if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges effort—as in, “Tell me about your drawing. It looks like you put a lot of time into it.”

Too much praise can damage self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and create a constant need for approval from others. So give praise judiciously and offer encouragement abundantly. This goes a long way in helping your child grow up feeling good about themselves.

We encourage our son to try different things, expand his social circle and be open to new experiences.

– BabyCenter Community Member NoNameLadyP

How to know if your child has low self-esteem

Parents naturally worry when their child is struggling, but sometimes struggles are just growing pains on the way to developing a new skill or understanding. At the same time, children can experience anxiety and depression just like adults, and symptoms of both can look like low self-esteem.

How can you tell if your child really has self-esteem issues? Look for these common signs:

• Avoids new or difficult tasks
• Lacks resilience or frustration tolerance
• Loss of friends or interest in your favorite hobbies
• Experiences frequent mood swings or regression to age-inappropriate behavior
• Tries to control out of control feelings by getting angry, cheating, lying or bullying
• Participates in frequent negative self-talk

If you’re concerned that something deeper than growing pains is at play, ask your child specific questions about school, friends, and how he views himself. You may want to talk to your child’s pediatrician, counselor, or mental health specialist to get another perspective.