For many expectant parents, working with a doula can make labor easier; it can make it less likely that you’ll need a C-section and even shorten labor. Unfortunately, insurance will not cover doula services in many cases, and hiring a doula is not in everyone’s budget.

As I welcome my second baby in just 10 weeks, I feel incredibly lucky that my own sister is a certified birth and postpartum doula. He lives too far away for that officially attend my birth, but she says having a strong support person with you in labor, even if it’s not a trained doula, can make all the difference. In addition to answering my messages about all the weird pregnancy symptoms (because doulas can be great for prenatal support too), she helped prepare my partner, who would be with me in the delivery room. We are also scheduled for a partner support clinic she does on Zoom for all her clients when I hit 34 weeks. (Seriously, have I mentioned how happy I am?)

In some ways, having someone you know and love in the room is even more important than a doula, adds Brandie Bishop, founder and chief executive officer National Association of Black DoulasOpens a new window. “While a doula can bring a certain level of expertise and skill, we don’t have special stories and intimate moments together,” says Bishop. “Those people who love you and know you are important during this super transformative moment because it helps keep the good labor-inducing hormones (like oxytocin) flowing.”

No matter who you choose as your birth partner, preparing them with some essential tips from the doula handbook can be the key to a more fulfilling and supported birth experience. Here are six doula-approved tips to support moms during labor.

1. Learn about the job so you can make informed decisions

A basic understanding of what happens at each stage of labor can help partners prepare for what is often an unpredictable process. When partners know what to expect, they can better advocate for the birth.

“When I work with families, I always ask dads, ‘What is extension and deletion?’ And I ask them to explain it to me as a practice,” says Bishop. “If you’re in the hospital room, can you help make a decision if you don’t know what the cervix is? You need to know the basics of labor and delivery.”

Everyone learns differently, but keep your partner up to date by taking childbirth education classes, reading a book, or learning key terms you’re likely to hear in the delivery room.

2. Prepare before birth for postpartum

While preparing for the big day, preparing for what comes next – the immediate postpartum period – is often overlooked. Partners can really help in this area by being prepared for the amount of healing that happens in the first few weeks.

“Think about how you’re going to be that support person, especially in those first 15 days after the birth when you really shouldn’t be awake and doing a lot,” says Bishop. “Your job is to make sure she eats, drinks and feels good.”

Focus on what’s important to the birthing mother and give them a voice.

– Princess Mckinney-Kirk, certified educator and doula

Also: When partners help line up friends, family, or professionals to help with cooking, cleaning, and laundry in those first weeks after birth, it allows both parents to focus on recovery and bonding instead of feeling overwhelmed by daily tasks.

This may not seem important for labor support, but it’s because “the less stress a mother feels about what’s to come after birth, the easier it is for her to be present and less stressed during labor,” Bishop explains.

3. Record what the nursing staff does

Birth is an unpredictable process. Even the healthiest moms can experience deviations from their birth plans. Bishop recommends that partners help keep track of events by recording the actions the medical team takes, including medications given, when cervical checks are performed, and so on.

“This is really helpful to look back on, especially when you’re experiencing your ‘plan B’ or some kind of complication,” says Bishop. “The birth mother can’t follow up, but as a support person you can, so when other medications are given or measures are taken, you can ask the right questions and be engaged on her behalf.”

4. Ask questions

“Partners can help align the experience with the birth plan by asking specific questions,” says Princess Mckinney-Kirk, a certified DONA international childbirth educator and doula based in Arizona. “These questions can bring focus back to what’s important to the birthing mother and give them a voice, especially when things get intense.”

Some good ones include:

• Can we have a moment to discuss?

• Are there alternatives?

• How will it affect her and the baby?

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It’s not about monitoring trained health workers, but about creating a break for shared decision-making and open communication, Bishop adds.

5. Be present and calm

Birth happens on its own timeline. It can take hours of waiting, but it’s best for partners to stay focused even in quiet moments. “Birth is all about reading the room and tuning in,” says Mckinney-Kirk. “When the partner is fully there and not distracted, it’s like an anchor for the person giving birth.”

Attendance is even more important when contractions are intense. It can be hard to see someone you love in pain, but staying calm will help everyone else stay calm. “You are not there to save her from a difficult or painful experience, but to witness her journey and to help and encourage her when she doubts herself along the way,” my sister Amanda SaxonOpens a new windowadds the ICBD.

6. Provide physical support

There are also physical ways partners can help. These doula-approved moves can ease discomfort during labor, especially in an unmedicated birth.

• Press into your lower back: For those with lower back pain or pressure, the birth partner can apply gentle, steady pressure with the heel of their hand on the lower back. This technique can provide significant relief, especially during contractions.

• Put your hands together: While holding the mom-to-be’s hand, the birthing partner can place his thumb over the space between her thumb and forefinger, where the webbed skin meets the thicker part of the hand. During contractions, especially inducing contractions, press firmly on this point to relieve pain.

• Squeeze your hips: A family partner can relieve pressure in the pelvis by placing their hands on either side of your hips. As the contraction peaks, have them press inward with firm, steady pressure, which can be grounding and soothing.

• Do a sit-up while breathing: Have your birth partner gently lift your belly during contractions to provide physical relief. Combined with rhythmic breathing – where you both breathe in sync – this technique not only reduces discomfort but also promotes emotional connection and support.

• Try the “rump-shaker:” Between contractions, have your birth partner wrap a long piece of cloth, such as a rug, sheet, or scarf, around your hips while you are on all fours. He will then shake the ends of the cloth back and forth. This technique is an excellent way to bring the baby into a more optimal position, and it also helps to loosen the muscles and tendons a little. “It can be a comedic moment, and laughter is also a great tool,” adds Bishop.

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The main lesson I learned from my first birth is that no amount of practice or preparation can guarantee a flawless experience. After all, birth is unpredictable.

But knowing that I won’t be alone as I experience the pain of labor and the drama of birth, and that I will have someone I love ready to support me in the room, is truly priceless. It reminds me of something my sister said in early pregnancy: “Often we want absolute control, and labor just doesn’t work. The more you follow the tide, the smoother the sailing will be – and every good adventure is best attempted with someone who you already believe.”